Phoenix is Me..

..

A morsel of you is all I had wanted:
So, I could laugh,
I could smile,
And I could be me..

You made me beg for my very own essence-
And robbed me of my laughter,
You wiped away my smile,
Till I was no longer Me..

You dictated your terms,
And I was blindly to lead;
Thorns that you had embedded
And I was on it to sleep.

You didn’t see me dreaming:
Of a fight and my win..
You didn’t notice my virtue,
And lived like a foolish king.

If you don’t know what I mean
Then look around till you can nomore see,
Your dictates hang suspended in the air,
And so does your hollow esteem.

I am nomore a doormat
That you could stomp upon Me,
I have risen from my ashes;
And now Dwell in Eternity.

My being is now bigger
Than your mind can perceive-
It has a radiance of a thousand Suns;
And, is brighter than you can perceive.

I enjoy my solitude; and I no longer grief..
I convey now what’s in my mind
And I yet do not speak..!!
My words now have re- invented-

..

My new Laughter,

My old smile,

And a very beautiful Me.

..

This Post/Poem wins the The Perfect Poet Award for week- 35/December, 2010.

The Perfect Poet Award- Week- 35, December- 2010

..
A brilliant red flower..
Symbol of Life,
Compliments here-
The new found me!
..



Water and Wind; and an Un- Grained Me


Picking up the shells from the beach of the sea,
I noticed there was one that was just so green..
I picked it up and noticed the others-
How they floated away with the flow of the water.

Sand grains pricked my eyes as I stood in the storm;
The air floated deporting all that was left loose.
All around it was dusty and pale-
As if the weather was mourning within a veil!

The water cleanses everything that it touches,
Taking the mud and dirt away-
It makes her look so desirable,
When the fine droplets shine on her face!

Children draw lines on the earth while they play,
Building sand castles all around.
Trotting around in joy with sand fill buckets,
Their laughter could be heard miles away.

The water smoothens the stones that it floats on-
Shining everything, brightening them up!
They appear so bigger and yet at a distance..
Never touching you when you stretch your hand!!

The very next objects appear to be far far away-
The particles pronounce the miles in between..
The “fragments” grain themselves into your being;
As you are left to fight out even to try and see..

Notice how wind and water changes the sand..
How they tame the dust to become so lame!
The desert is where the sand rules-
Otherwise all it becomes is dirt in vain!!

I am the sand and exist in my world,
They dare not come to stay here in my domain.
For its miles of spread of dust alone-
And I hover with the wind that blows all around!

I need some water that washes me away..
Purify me; and make my particles condense.
So I gather all my specks; the one’s up in the air,
Collecting them all so I become a “one”-

Complete the whole of “Me” in one place.

 



Afternote– As I finished writing this, I felt like some sand grains crushed in my mouth..

How Mom celebrated my Birthday

This was when I worked with Baxy Infosol. I reported to Rachana in Toucan Mobile process. She is amongst the few shells that I could collect from a workplace where my tenure was very short as compared to other workplaces.

It was in June on 22nd night or 23rd early morning that I dreamt of this:

It was my Birthday (it falls in the month of August; why on earth I was dreaming of it in June remains a mystery). Even in dream, I was pretty aware of this fact that it was supposedly after a couple of months and not then. Yet mom (I had lost her many years back- but dreamt of her to be alive) was fluttering around everywhere possible to arrange for a Birhday Cake for me. I did ask her a few times what was she upto looking up for Bakery House cards; she didn’t reply and shooed me away 😦 I sadly coiled up in my room wondering why was Ma at all trying to look for a cake when my Birthday was no where around, not anytime soon.

She had spent the whole day searching the catalogues and calling up the bakery shops for a cake. Nirulas’ was apparently closed that day (!) She was now herself becoming a little upset on her inability to surprise me- since I had found out that she was trying to order a cake to surprise me; and she was unable to order one too. At the end of the day, she came to me and said, “My Dear, I have arranged a cake for you.. You just need to wait for some time..”

I woke up with mixed feelings; as confusing of them as I had felt while dreaming. Never the less, I dressed up and sat in my cab at 2pm for my evening shift. While I was walking through the walkway of the 2nd entrance gate- Harsh Israni (he worked with me as a Trainer in Convergys too) wished me “Happy Birthday”. Boy! was I Surprised. He didn’t believe when I told him it wasn’t the day. By the evening, we had all gathered up in the cafeteria for yet another colleague’s birthday. So far so good- “Mom had arranged for a cake for me”, I thought. Wait, till you read more.

They all sang “Happy Birthday to Olivia..!!??!!” and clapped and cheered while I was asked to blow out the candle on a very prettily decorated Strawberry Cake. I was as clueless as you are now. The other boy who was told that it was my birthday to walk him to cafeteria to surprise him, since his day was also being celebrated, had almost run out of cafeteria- Vipul Mongia, I guess. Reason being, it wasn’t his birthday as well; it was supposedly in December!!

The cake Rachana had ordered was very beautiful and different. It was not one of those regular ones; seemed it was ordered from a different place. It had all burgundy pink colored decorations sat on the icing- it was a very Royal Treatment to say the least. Harsh gave me a really annoying look at that.

After celebrating “My Birthday” as if it really were, I musingly narrated my dream to Rachana and one of my colleagues, Bhavna. Rachana was honored to say the least since it was she who got the cake as mom had wanted to in my Dream..!! Bhavana was surprised; so was I. They had all been trying to book a surprise on a different date..!!

  • Thanks Rachana..

Wonderfully, Rachana again celebrated my birthday in August; on 11th when it actually is..

In reality, mom could never run around to get anything for me and was only left to wait till dad or uncle got anything– if at all they did i.e., She wasn’t in a physical state to travel and arrange for anything. Financially, she wasn’t independent. She always said, “Celebrate such days once you start earning so you would not have to be on anyone’s mercy to enjoy any day that you so want. That ways, any day you could order for a cake and celebrate your day as Birthday or Christmas- whichever”. She was obstinate about this to an extent that she did not let me receive any gifts from my friends in later years. Yes, I felt bad- but now, I understand why this was so; very well.

Mom had not only arranged for the cake, but also made sure that my Birthday too was celebrated..

  • Thanks Ma..

2006- I was born; yet again on 23rd June..

My (Mom’s) Red Lipstick

My Lone Baby– Ma was next to me on the bed and about to doze off. Some movie played on the television next to the bed. The room arrangement was not very familiar to me- the house seemed different, we never stayed in such arrangement. Mom’s handbag was what I was fiddling with; a small mirror case, a red lipstick and some- makeup set cases. I was waiting for her to snooze off while I kept trying to see the color of the lipper..

After a long wait and my constant trial to peek at the boxes one by one, she tossed to my side and fell asleep.. a perfect time for me to finally lift up the lip crayon and check the shade. The small plastic wrappers rustled by her side, damn that would wake her up, she too slept as lightly as I do. I did finally manage to check- and it was a brilliant red- somewhat of a Revlon Burgundy (that I actually had used for some years, before I had developed lip allergy and stopped applying lippers and switched brands). Infact, it was better than that- the texture was oh so smooth and not sticky, it glided just so well- that’s right I dabbed the applicator tip on my pout. As I looked myself at the mirror and thought, that how nice it was of her- to have finally “changed” to buy a lipper for herself after she had started working; I woke up.

My Dream ended.

How so ever badly she had wanted to be independent; she could not be. She was made to slog her entire life in service to my dad and uncle. By the time I was born, she had lost it all; within 6 years of her marriage itself. She was never let to join any work, she was a Textile Designer just like me- (co- incidence) and had always wanted to work and be financially and emotionally independent. Fate had something else in store and because of me- her only child, she was bound in obligation or relation or feelings or all of these, to stick to her ever growing helpless situation. I mean, how healthy is it that dad and uncle never spoke with each other? And that a small child gets to witness that and understand the fact- and is to never insist on getting “her family” seated all together or talking?

Ma had never applied a lipper before because she was guilty of stealing one in her childhood- she was fascinated with that container lifting itself up with windings. I had seen that metal case; it may still be lying in the buttons box. I had managed to deck her up a few times but never insisted on lipper; lip gloss she had gladly applied. Her face was full of pox marks and that was another reason why she shied away from getting “made- up”. She had been pleasantly surprised when she noticed that the foundation had taken all the marks away at least till the application lasted. We were invited to Parul’s younger brother’s 1st birthday; I may have been in 6th or 7th maybe. That was the 1st time she had let me dress her up, and yes, she was glad. I was very young then and I understand that now; but people’s compliments to her says that I must have done a great job and for my age. Ever since then, she had let me do all that “jazz” to her for the socializing events. She would patiently sit till I would smear her face and neck with various applications and do my magical wand upgrade. I would make her drape the “pallu” in certain manner. I had noticed tears in her eyes when I did that the 1st time.

I was able to make her see the point and make her apply the forbidden lip- stick a few times before I was left alone to buy my lip- colors on my own. I wish my mom were alive.. Besides anything else, I would have then adopted her as my daughter and doted on her the way she could not on me because of her own physical and health limitations. I would have let her explore some work possibilities whatever her health would have allowed and take her to the fanciest of the handbag shops and definitely made her as much independent as I am if not more.

Lie

Men Lie, all men lie..
To cover up their imperfections.
Fault; may I say?
When women do so,
They are labeled as loose..!!
Men don’t regret
Even when they may know that they are at a fault!
They present the matter in such a manner,
That the related women regret-
Either, because they feel- it may be due to her;
Or, after once they learn about the reality..

I wish- I had a wand:
That could change the Final verdict,
Could change the situation to Our benefit;
So we no more remain the vulnerable- getting affected the most.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

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