Nirvana

..

..

If you wish to stand up tall,
You’d be up there all alone..
Breeze would often slap your face,
Sun would scorch your tender skin!

How you sustain yourself,
‘d then be written as a theory.
Your lifestyle would become;
An enlightened state of that of the Buddha!

Wish me luck,
So I remain where I’ve reached-
Without any companion; devoid of all relationships;
Singing songs to myself and dancing upon those..

..Remaining consumed in an Eternal Bliss!

~*~*~

Submitted forΒ OpenLinkNight ~ WeekΒ 2

~*~*~

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33 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. C Rose
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 23:16:54

    A wonderful opening stanza and uplifting piece Olivia. I really enjoyed! ~ Rose

    Reply

  2. swanrose
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 19:27:09

    seems where ever I go there you are…lol I like this piece and really like the end.

    Reply

  3. wolfsrosebud
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 19:00:36

    “Without any companion; devoid of all relationships;
    Singing songs to myself and dancing upon those..”

    KInda sad, a houseful is more fun. Pondering your thoughts…

    Reply

  4. Joe Hesch
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 07:48:26

    Unless we appreciate ourselves, even love ourselves, we probably don’t have a reference pint to love others. We just wouldn’t understand what it’s all about. Fr me, it’s been a lifelong, sometimes suspended, discovery. I like how you describe yours.

    Reply

  5. ladynyo
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 07:09:23

    At first I thought it might be a hogepoge of stanzas….but they link very well.

    I am not at all put off by the rhythm….it’s got a bit of synopation that serves it well.

    I like this Olivia… I read it a couple of times, and it holds well together.

    Lady Nyo

    Reply

  6. zongrik
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 06:34:20

    I’m not sure why you ended it in bold. Were you being sarcastic?

    the reason I think this, and I’m not Buddhist, so i could be totally wrong, but I would think that in Buddhism, that kind of statement would be more subtle.

    if i’m wrong, please enlighten me… (pun intended)

    Reply

  7. Rosemary Nissen-Wade aka SnakyPoet
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 04:27:38

    I too love that second-last line in particular.

    Reply

  8. Gay
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 02:08:08

    Having read the critique above, I feel empowered to say a few words about your piece. Feel free to critique mine as well because I put it up today to see if it’s even worthy and what people would suggest to improve it.

    I don’t know if you have invested a lot of yourself in this piece. I can see that you might have. I will first unfold it as I read it to see if that’s what you had in mind.

    I read Nirvana as a place where one reaches, through life’s experiences, a higher understanding, a knowledge of other entities both living and spiritual, and knows the peaceable connections between them. So your first line seems to address someone who believes he is nearing Nirvana on earth, but you are saying that
    he’s too big for his britches, that he has not achieved peace but rather arrogance,
    and that if he were “all that” books would be written about his achievement and
    he would be approaching the adulation given to Buddha. (not quite but somewhat sarcastic in tone)

    Then there’s a break that I don’t quite understand. Are you asking the arrogant person to wish you luck in achieving that level? You are where you are, wherever it is by your own bootstraps and although you’re alone you are free to dance and sing and if it is destined you shall do so forever. (is this more sarcasm or are you comparing your state to his honestly?)

    It is the change of focus in the poem that disturbs me. You haven’t concluded with the person arrogant before you decide to talk about yourself. Not that this isn’t allowed but you don’t finish the subject you start with, and you don’t adequately start the subject you finish with. We are left with two people (or entities) both alone and both, at the end of it al,l seeming quite a distance from Nirvana.

    Wish me luck (unless it has cultural connotations I don’t understand) doesn’t work for me as a transition. I think you need to finish with the “person arrogant” saying something that allows you as first person to be inserted into the poem..either disagreeing with his philosophy or agreeing with it and accepting or honoring it and making it your own. It is this contradiction that, for me, flaws the poem. It might only take one more stanza for you to be able to transition and clarify the purpose of the poem and make it personal for you.

    I am not concerned with your rhyme or meter (although considering it is a good idea in bringing an appreciation of your work to your reader). Your punctuation is another matter and believe me I have punctuation-in-poetry issues myself. One thing is absolute, you must lose the semicolon after “become” in the third stanza as that is a subject and object of the same sentence and in no way should you break it as a phrase.

    Please forgive me if I have misinterpreted your intents, but even if I may have missed cultural cues, I believe only a little work would give this poem more philosophical weight and worthiness.

    Reply

  9. Laura Hegfield
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 02:06:52

    beautiful Olivia!

    Reply

  10. signed .............bkm
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 01:52:56

    I do not know what changes you made Olivia – I did not read the first…but this one is wonderful …..a true feeling for the Buddha here….lovely…bkm

    Reply

  11. brian
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 01:39:12

    i hope you keep that bliss…to be alone and still find it…that in itself is close to divinity….

    Reply

  12. Kelvin S. M.
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 01:37:10

    ..i like the soft side of your thoughts… it simply soothes me deep inside.. thank you!(:

    Reply

  13. Daydreamertoo
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 01:25:09

    Good to read that you are happy with life.

    Reply

  14. Kavita
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 00:52:56

    Dear sweet lady, dare you say you haven’t a friend!!! GRRR!!
    But then again, the state your mind’s in (that of bliss), AMEN to that!

    Mwaaahhhhzz to you, sweetz…

    Reply

  15. Aaron Smigielski
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 00:50:13

    This was a very good description of the bhuddist nirvana. Powerful and beautiful at the same time. Great poem!

    Reply

  16. athursdayschild has a long way to go and much to be thankful for.
    Feb 06, 2011 @ 02:48:51

    I like your subject matter, and especially the next to last line, “singing songs and dancing upon these,” as it’s our own song and not someone else’s that brings the bliss.

    Reply

  17. robin ellen lucas
    Feb 05, 2011 @ 06:03:22

    wow how honest and inspiring.

    Reply

  18. Dakshi
    Feb 03, 2011 @ 12:05:15

    felt so serene and it makes me think of life..

    lovely….

    Reply

    • Olivia
      Feb 03, 2011 @ 19:07:56

      Thank you Dakshi,
      I am glad you felt good.. πŸ™‚
      That was the sole purpose. To make the reader feel better instead of reading too much of pain in it!!

      Lovexx

      Reply

  19. Reflections
    Feb 03, 2011 @ 10:19:08

    Love the thought patterns… I too had some difficulty with following the meter… and I too am intrigued when someone takes the time to offer the critique… searching their words for wisdom beyond my own.

    Nicely done.

    Reply

  20. Paula Tohline Calhoun
    Feb 03, 2011 @ 04:11:35

    The changes really did it! So much better – I am impressed! πŸ˜€ Don’t you enjoy reading it better?

    Reply

  21. dan
    Feb 03, 2011 @ 01:39:59

    singing songs to myself and dancing on those……… I enjoyed your poem. I don’t have that finely tuned eye so I can’t add anything else.

    Reply

  22. Jingle
    Feb 03, 2011 @ 00:05:52

    love it,

    I feel the action of your words and enjoyed the sentiments in it.
    Cheers.

    A++

    Reply

  23. Scent of my heart
    Feb 03, 2011 @ 00:04:47

    Wishing you all the luck you need! Lovely writing!

    Reply

  24. Trackback: Tweets that mention Nirvana Β« Olivia's In- Mind Whirls.. -- Topsy.com
  25. Paila Tohline Calhoun
    Feb 02, 2011 @ 22:07:02

    I like this poem, but I have a couple of reservations. Please do not be offended, and my criticism is definitely not an expert’s, but I appreciate honest, frank opinions (as long as they are not mean-spirited), and want to offer you mine – take it or leave it, as coming from the amateur that I am!

    What trips me up is the meter. It seems uneven, and detracts a bit from the reading and flow of your wonderful thoughts! The fist stanza is PERFECT! It is rhythmic, without feeling as thought you over-stretched to accomplish it (something that is always my downfall!). After that it seems to sort of “fall apart.” I don’t mean to imply that it is a disaster – far from it! It just departs from the first stanza so much – except for the subject matter, it feels like it belongs in a different poem. This is the same comment for the final stanza. It seems like two and three belong together, but somewhere else.

    I am not addicted to rhyme – I appreciate a more free verse as much as rhymed poems, but I feel that, in lieu of rhyme, meter should stand out. I realize this is my own opinion, and not shared by many people who enjoy a totally free style.

    I do love, however, your closing line. While a departure, it nevertheless fits the tenor of this work. Sort of serves like the final accessory in a well-decorated room. The great cap on a nice hairstyle! (Enough metaphor for you? :-D)

    I hope this is OK with you. I welcome the same sort of comments on my own work, and I will definitely keep reading and enjoying your work – I’m a subscriber, so I’ll be reading every new post, as well as catching up with the previous ones.

    I wish you all the best!
    XOXO Paula

    Reply

    • Olivia
      Feb 02, 2011 @ 22:56:00

      What a big one here.. O-O
      Please do write wherever you feel it could be better; I am not at all offended- it’s absolutely otherwise!!

      I must say- you have an eye for finer things. The 1st stanza was written on a different date and so, maybe the choice of words didn’t match with the 1st one..
      As for the meter, I did feel the same way.. then again, I am still learning. I have barely attended my Nursery level yet!

      I did notice that you have subscribed to my blog- I am flattered.. πŸ˜€
      Once again, unless someone tells me; how would I learn and/or improve upon..?

      Thank you so much for taking out time to point it out to me. Can’t promise πŸ˜› but will try to work on it. Often I just post and then keep updating the words everytime I read it again.. psst.. I have changed a few of those already..

      Thank you again for your warm wishes.. I am grinning already-
      Love xoxoxoxox

      Reply

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