Blotch awaited outside my work place obviously un-invited. The pseudo that he was, he stood there posing as if for a photo-shoot. I felt almost dizzy approaching him calculating what words to slip out of my mouth so I don’t antagonize him in anyway. He had stalked me to all places I ever been to, so seeing him outside my workplace wasn’t unusual. He carried some food for me how I used to for him before. We catch a bus and get at the top part that was open roof. We sat in the side gallery which faced the running street or is it the street on which the bus ran; instead of facing inside the vehicle?
Looking down from where we were seated, I could see the street running. I could feel the air sectioning my short hair. Of course he did make some comment about I cutting my hair short. Little did he know I had shaved off my head- then again, who was he to know- even if for the thrill of it? I mean of all, why him? I held the side bar with my right hand, while he held my left hand; there was no provision of holding anything in the front crazily. He had started to press yet again for settling down with him- but I was already with someone else! He most definitely didn’t need to know any of it. This time around, when I just didn’t agree to like always; he let go of my hand. I save a fall face down on to the street from a speeding bus- as I manage to grab the iron net partition towards his left. Surprisingly, he then held my hand kissing my palm while I don’t let him hold my hand anymore.
He tags alongwith me to my home. The house was where I used to stay with my mom; where I lost her to death. I don’t let him in while Hemant (now my ex) tells me to dress up so we go out to dine. Taking out his cheap handset model, he plays to me some Kishore song loud. While he was busy humming along the lines, I notice his cell phone wallpaper displaying his and his (guessing) girlfriend’s capture.
“I’m not sure why you are still here when you already have a girl with you- maybe you haven’t really changed from being a womanizer..”
That one line seemed to have done the trick. With a smirking smile (to what again), he departs.
My cellphone rings just then. Oldie’s voice speaks up telling me when I could collect the bag of groceries..
Upon waking up I had thrown up right on the bed. It had taken some time before I could gather my wits together. That one single dream made me live through 3 different phases and brutally together interlaced with each other. It was a brightly lit afternoon and I had not thought of anyone of them before dozing off at noon. Morning was good; I had felt warm n fuzzy before I my conscience had melted into dream- world. I did talk to my ex the previous evening but that was on a highly casual note.
The last I ever talked to blotch was indeed outside my workplace where he had caught me by my hand and I had “handled” him to his amazement! Trying to dress up when you do absolutely nothing excepting violating girls in name of love and previous heart break; it annoyed me no end watch him style his hair wetting those, wearing one of the caps my mom had knitted. Only I was too young to put a finger on it. Then again, I never gave in to his plea of marrying him; so maybe, I was not that dumb for my age. For nights uncountable he had barfed his feelings (those were anything but that) out after coming home drunk. Buses being the only mode of transport, we travelled in those. Once when I was sat at the front seat facing the entry, he had spoken to me calling my name asking me to shift rudely; which I had not taken to kindly. He worked as a ticket conductor and I was definitely not comfortable knowing him; let alone accepting him or his way of earning his livelihood. That was the 1st time ever when I had made him realize the class difference between the two of us. The stalker that he was, he had chased me down to every place I even been to. I still get nightmares of him tracking me down and I being unable to lose him. He used to hear to Kishore’s song and was under a delusion of being a good singer. No criticism or comparison but he was no good. Often he used to tell me about his previous affairs. Blame it on my naiveté or maybe indifference to it all, I never really bothered. He had indeed once dropped by on his sweet will at my residence (where I lived before my uncle made me leave the place), after which he had parked himself conveniently with me in pretense of guarding my interest. I had not let my mom know of what was happening, stepping out of the house immediately taking him along with.
I never dream of my ex. Why I did today in someone else’s dream is what is still unclear. The one and half year period that we stayed together out of his parental home, before I shifted to Gurgaon; all we ever did was to dine out on my insistence.
Oldie.. well, like I said is only an arrangement which has started to fallout. Indeed a conversation took place about the grocery the day before.
The dream summed it up all! Come to think of it, the 3 of them are my only relationship with men till now. Survival, mistake and arrangement (in that order); none of them could make me love them even once. Maybe I wasn’t really a fool and knew things better. When I’m a decade and a half away in time from blotch, why did he have to overlap with the other two men? Is my sub-conscience doing the thinking for me? Is there a conclusion that I’m missing out on? Am I still disturbed or have I apparently moved on? Is life about to leave the arrangement part too; like it did the survival and mistake parts and take on a new recourse finally? Am I healing that I didn’t wake up all sweating and at times even swearing? Wonder how I really handled them in person when I failed to the reflection in a dream!
Is that why I dreamt of blotch in detail since he is a history long dead, buried and gone? How much longer before I put the other two with him or has that started happening already? Was the dream suggesting I do how I did to him? Is the dream making me see how hopeless all of them are/have been? I wish I gather enough wits and deal with the situation that stands in front of me like a dark cave and no other side lane for me to step onto and even run away perhaps. I need to carve a tunnel out of it.
Who knows I might have already been there! Maybe I came out screaming finding no way out from the other end?