Hauled

~*~*~

~*~*~

Naïve expression,
a mere wish,
an arrogant desire
never found way; words.

I wanted to fly!
I wanted to live!
I wanted to come alive!

Wings of ecstasy
riding me high;
chasing the sun,
kissing the moon!

I wanted to fly…
I wanted to live…
I wanted to come alive…

Joining the twigs,
a castle built.
Hopes breezing on
fleeting winds…

I wanted to fly.
I wanted to live.
I wanted to come alive.

Stoned sight,
lost commotion;
surreal casting:
like Ariel… and loved!

Maybe a fallacy.
Or a myth.
Perhaps even a lie.

Shared with none,
drenched in salty,
shells on beach,
heaven on earth.

Vision was back.
The detailing was perfect…
Setting a backdrop for the drama to end!

Muted sigh let loose.
Shackled much,
broken by waves;
my soul now belonged to me.

Lost that dream.
Waved goodbye.
Fulfilled the set of karmas.

Fears gone,
embracing tight;
when the time came,
It felt right…

I found a new dream.
I stole from; lived a life.
Today, I came alive.

~*~*~

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Overlapped

Blotch awaited outside my work place obviously un-invited.  The pseudo that he was, he stood there posing as if for a photo-shoot. I  felt almost dizzy approaching him calculating what words to slip out of my mouth so I don’t antagonize him in anyway. He had stalked me to all places I ever been to, so seeing him outside my workplace wasn’t unusual. He carried some food for me how I used to for him before. We catch a bus and get at the top part that was open roof. We sat in the side gallery which faced the running street or is it the street on which the bus ran; instead of facing inside the vehicle?

Looking down from where we were seated, I could see the street running. I could feel the air sectioning my short hair. Of course he did make some comment about I cutting my hair short. Little did he know I had shaved off my head- then again, who was he to know- even if for the thrill of it? I mean of all, why him? I held the side bar with my right hand, while he held my left hand; there was no provision of holding anything in the front crazily. He had started to press yet again for settling down with him- but I was already with someone else! He most definitely didn’t need to know any of it. This time around, when I just didn’t agree to like always; he let go of my hand. I save a fall face down on to the street from a speeding bus- as I manage to grab the iron net partition towards his left. Surprisingly, he then held my hand kissing my palm while I don’t let him hold my hand anymore.

He tags alongwith me to my home. The house was where I used to stay with my mom; where I lost her to death. I don’t let him in while Hemant (now my ex) tells me to dress up so we go out to dine. Taking out his cheap handset model, he plays to me some Kishore song loud. While he was busy humming along the lines, I notice his cell phone wallpaper displaying his and his (guessing) girlfriend’s capture.

“I’m not sure why you are still here when you already have a girl with you- maybe you haven’t really changed from being a womanizer..”

That one line seemed to have done the trick. With a smirking smile (to what again), he departs.

My cellphone rings just then. Oldie’s voice speaks up telling me when I could collect the bag of groceries..

~*~*~

Upon waking up I had thrown up right on the bed. It had taken some time before I could gather my wits together. That one single dream made me live through 3 different phases and brutally together interlaced with each other. It was a brightly lit afternoon and I had not thought of anyone of them before dozing off at noon. Morning was good; I had felt warm n fuzzy before I my conscience had melted into dream- world. I did talk to my ex the previous evening but that was on a highly casual note.

The last I ever talked to blotch was indeed outside my workplace where he had caught me by my hand and I had “handled” him to his amazement! Trying to dress up when you do absolutely nothing excepting violating girls in name of love and previous heart break; it annoyed me no end watch him style his hair wetting those, wearing one of the caps my mom had knitted. Only I was too young to put a finger on it. Then again, I never gave in to his plea of marrying him; so maybe, I was not that dumb for my age. For nights uncountable he had barfed his feelings (those were anything but that) out after coming home drunk. Buses being the only mode of transport, we travelled in those. Once when I was sat at the front seat facing the entry, he had spoken to me calling my name asking me to shift rudely; which I had not taken to kindly. He worked as a ticket conductor and I was definitely not comfortable knowing him; let alone accepting him or his way of earning his livelihood. That was the 1st time ever when I had made him realize the class difference between the two of us. The stalker that he was, he had chased me down to every place I even been to. I still get nightmares of him tracking me down and I being unable to lose him. He used to hear to Kishore’s song and was under a delusion of being a good singer. No criticism or comparison but he was no good. Often he used to tell me about his previous affairs. Blame it on my naiveté or maybe indifference to it all, I never really bothered. He had indeed once dropped by on his sweet will at my residence (where I lived before my uncle made me leave the place), after which he had parked himself conveniently with me in pretense of guarding my interest. I had not let my mom know of what was happening, stepping out of the house immediately taking him along with.

I never dream of my ex. Why I did today in someone else’s dream is what is still unclear. The one and half year period that we stayed together out of his parental home, before I shifted to Gurgaon; all we ever did was to dine out on my insistence.

Oldie.. well, like I said is only an arrangement which has started to fallout. Indeed a conversation took place about the grocery the day before.

~*~*~

The dream summed it up all! Come to think of it, the 3 of them are my only relationship with men till now. Survival, mistake and arrangement (in that order); none of them could make me love them even once. Maybe I wasn’t really a fool and knew things better. When I’m a decade and a half away in time from blotch, why did he have to overlap with the other two men? Is my sub-conscience doing the thinking for me? Is there a conclusion that I’m missing out on? Am I still disturbed or have I apparently moved on? Is life about to leave the arrangement part too; like it did the survival and mistake parts and take on a new recourse finally? Am I healing that I didn’t wake up all sweating and at times even swearing? Wonder how I really handled them in person when I failed to the reflection in a dream!

Is that why I dreamt of blotch in detail since he is a history long dead, buried and gone? How much longer before I put the other two with him or has that started happening already? Was the dream suggesting I do how I did to him? Is the dream making me see how hopeless all of them are/have been? I wish I gather enough wits and deal with the situation that stands in front of me like a dark cave and no other side lane for me to step onto and even run away perhaps. I need to carve a tunnel out of it.

Who knows I might have already been there! Maybe I came out screaming finding no way out from the other end?

Riposte

~*~*~

~*~*~

Your casual strokes against my skin-
Revived memories buried deep within.
I hear the aphonic voices speak,
Whispering in mind, making me sing!

Overplaying emotions never found a word,
Series of expressions remained up curled..
Those which throbbed in my chest,
Taking over me whenever we crossed!

Was never mine; can’t say he’s gone..
I only dream of the times bygone.
Sobbing till I fall asleep tired;
Tardily realizing he’s nowhere around!

It’s been a life since this way-
All colors bled excepting grey.
Then you happened leaving me stoned,
You made the lost time re- appear again!

~*~*~

Image Details: The one holding my hand is who this is about- from my present time.

~*~*~

Still in love with HIM..

10th June, 2011

I was sat at the back bench with Himanshu as I used to with him when in 7th standard. There were a couple of classmates present who studied with me back then.

I wasn’t sure if he would talk to me at all but he did. Quite unbelievably I looked at his face trying to place the features as how I remembered of him from my school time. He looked identifiable as how I had seen him last in 2005- in person. Only this time he looked more relaxed. I tried to break the silence.

“You know I could never adjust with my new school (LIS). Although now I am friends with most of them; it was tough for me to adapt even academically. All the teachers would ever do is flip through the chapter pages asking us to study, making us do the comprehensions the next day. I found it difficult to learn that way. At the least, they could have read through the chapters explaining what it meant in the class once, how they used to in GFPS!”

“The last time we met I had hurt you no end. I know you must be still sour and maybe that’s why you are not talking about us!”

“I know this is only a sweet dream that would end soon enough leaving me bitter and wanting me to cry till I get tired. This can’t be true. I am dreaming indeed!”

He only smiled. My heart skipped a beat or maybe two. ‘Was I still alive to be living through a beautiful moment as this is?’ Something inside my chest started throbbing. My right hand was placed on the desk. I had kept my gestures as normal as talking to a stranger with no signs of familiarity. Any “old time sake” that I had let linger on was from my school time. I was not letting any trace of my feelings for him or our affair (if at all that was one) to show up on my face. As I had decided to; I was maintaining it to be as indifferent as possible.

Only till then..

His left palm touched the back of my right palm gently. However hard I was trying to; I wasn’t able to keep my focus straight. My gaze shifted from his face to my hand. His long fingers felt amazingly light on my pale hand.  It wasn’t accidental; he had deliberately placed his hand on mine. It was difficult to control the over grown monarchs fluttering in my stomach. My one mind wanted this moment to freeze, yet another one wanted me to hold him and make him mine; I did nothing. After losing him over just so many times, I have become highly confused what part of me drives him away when the rest of it draws him back to me over and over again. I just wanted him to stay.

He picked my hand into his and started writing on its inside. A few of those monarchs threatened to take over my senses. Hushing them quiet inwardly, I broke into an innocent smile.

“Okay, I won’t look. See, I have closed my eyes. Let me know when to open them.”

He made a few strokes how we used to in our teens. We never realized how comfortable we used to be with each other back then. If only he had been a little courageous; I would have not changed my school at all. The last ugly affair won’t have taken place to begin with. Perhaps we would have been together since ever. My life would have been sorted out by now. My mind was clouded with thoughts when he shook me up and wanted me to read my hand. In his hand writing (that I still recognize) I read “I Love..”

I questioningly look at him when he covered my eyes with his left hand. I pulled it away with my left hand to read a big “you” on it. That’s it. I could no longer take control.

“Himanshu..”

He looked up. “Did you not know how I have felt for you ever since we had known each other? Did you ever not feel that I maybe missing you or thinking of you? Did you never get any sign telling you that I still think of you how I used to?”

I had wanted to ask more. ‘Will you stay back with me this time? Are you again weaving a fairy tale to leave me in the hands of demons and walk away? Would you…ummm.. marry me this time or just stay with me? Would I get to meet your family with a new identity? Will they accept me.. the way I am? But most importantly, do you still want me?’ I didn’t; any.

The next instant he asked me, “Do you want it to be a quick and a rough one or a long time spent lazily over..?”

At that instant the teacher entered the class, wanting Himanshu to place his dripping umbrella aside. I had stood up offering to do that myself; placing it at one side where one of my class- mates had gestured. Walking back to the desk I had whispered, “Let’s save it for after the class.”

His seductive smile had almost scratched upon my stability.

I had worn a green sweater which I wanted to take out. It was becoming warm. Even the lady teacher had removed hers. The teacher stayed in the same compound in the next room. The class was an informal gathering. A few students had walked into one another room wanting to sleep! While accompanying them through the corridor; I happened to see the teacher’s room too. I wanted to go back and tell HIM how I might also end up staying singly in some office apartment in my older years. The class had dispersed by the time I had gone back. Himanshu had cracked some joke; the most part of which I hadn’t heard. It seemed to me that when the laughter ends; HIM and I would be together. I felt light- headed. I too broke into laughter.

My dream ended!

It indeed has rain- stormed this morning. When I woke up at 8am; I was jolted out of my sleep as if a nightmare had haunted me. The pangs of reality had bitten me sharp. Holding my bed- sheet, covering my face, I had tried to recall of what I had dreamt of. My eyes had become wet; a few tears had followed soon. I wasn’t sobbing, I thought; but even before I could realize, I was crying incessantly.

Travelling away..

24th April, 2011

I was along with some of my friends including my childhood classmate Shilpi in the waiting room. They were all leaving for a joy- ride. She had come to invite me over. I had declined politely. I had to catch a ride in sometime. She had left soon thereafter.

While boarding that train, a fleeting thought had struck my mind about roller coasters. I have never boarded one- not sure if I would ever. Pushing that thought aside; I had boarded the train. Slowly it had started moving forward. Instead of taking the left tracks, it had slid over the right track. A jolt was felt and the train had stopped. I was at the last boggie. I could see the dead end towards the back. Piles of logs were stashed. The train didn’t crash onto that though. That’s right, the train was moving backwards.

After its smooth stopple, it was ready to pull forward again. Surprisingly, it didn’t take the left tracks again. Instead, it chose the tracks that had gone down- almost abruptly through a green valley. The speed it was moving in had alarmed me and I had screamed aloud. It seemed that the train might get de- railed; it didn’t though. I could see the whole of the train in front of me sailing. I felt the breeze combing through my hair. It so felt as if I was stood in open. Just then I happened to see someone with me. The same man: because of whom I am undergoing a transition right now. I had panicked so much because of the train speed that I wanted to call up some helpline; realizing helplessly that there were no procedures laid down for the same! The man had incorrigibly kept harping upon how great speeds could de- rail the whole thing.

When the train did reach that turn I was feeling jittery about, it had nicely wound through running at the same speed. Perhaps, it had picked up that velocity so it could go over that steep upward travel that was to come immediately thereafter. I didn’t feel scared anymore; if at all, I had felt liberated like a free- spirit. The man’s voice was no more heard. I was looking forward to feel the pull when the train was to go up on that upward travel.

My train was traveling no less than a roller- coaster ride and it was going to get faster and curvy- as was being discussed before boarding.

I woke up feeling much refreshed.

If the train is to be compared with my Life at present; it would fit in perfectly. A couple of hiccups and even hitting the dead end (yet again); now wanting to move forward just so desperately. This dream once again seems to be pre- cognitive. I didn’t take the joy- ride; I was put through a struggling phase instead. The left turn seems to be the travel to achieve my ambitions that I couldn’t take. It was a sign of set- back I had to take when mom had died and I was stood on the road all by self!  My ugly marriage may have been the right turn. The backward travel hitting the dead end is what I am going through right now. I am back to square one- in one way. All my struggle and hard work till now has gone down the drain. Thanks to a few demons I had met on my way.

I am now looking forward to take that fast train travel that would teleport me to some other world.

~*~*~

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