Lifeless

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Travelling away..

24th April, 2011

I was along with some of my friends including my childhood classmate Shilpi in the waiting room. They were all leaving for a joy- ride. She had come to invite me over. I had declined politely. I had to catch a ride in sometime. She had left soon thereafter.

While boarding that train, a fleeting thought had struck my mind about roller coasters. I have never boarded one- not sure if I would ever. Pushing that thought aside; I had boarded the train. Slowly it had started moving forward. Instead of taking the left tracks, it had slid over the right track. A jolt was felt and the train had stopped. I was at the last boggie. I could see the dead end towards the back. Piles of logs were stashed. The train didn’t crash onto that though. That’s right, the train was moving backwards.

After its smooth stopple, it was ready to pull forward again. Surprisingly, it didn’t take the left tracks again. Instead, it chose the tracks that had gone down- almost abruptly through a green valley. The speed it was moving in had alarmed me and I had screamed aloud. It seemed that the train might get de- railed; it didn’t though. I could see the whole of the train in front of me sailing. I felt the breeze combing through my hair. It so felt as if I was stood in open. Just then I happened to see someone with me. The same man: because of whom I am undergoing a transition right now. I had panicked so much because of the train speed that I wanted to call up some helpline; realizing helplessly that there were no procedures laid down for the same! The man had incorrigibly kept harping upon how great speeds could de- rail the whole thing.

When the train did reach that turn I was feeling jittery about, it had nicely wound through running at the same speed. Perhaps, it had picked up that velocity so it could go over that steep upward travel that was to come immediately thereafter. I didn’t feel scared anymore; if at all, I had felt liberated like a free- spirit. The man’s voice was no more heard. I was looking forward to feel the pull when the train was to go up on that upward travel.

My train was traveling no less than a roller- coaster ride and it was going to get faster and curvy- as was being discussed before boarding.

I woke up feeling much refreshed.

If the train is to be compared with my Life at present; it would fit in perfectly. A couple of hiccups and even hitting the dead end (yet again); now wanting to move forward just so desperately. This dream once again seems to be pre- cognitive. I didn’t take the joy- ride; I was put through a struggling phase instead. The left turn seems to be the travel to achieve my ambitions that I couldn’t take. It was a sign of set- back I had to take when mom had died and I was stood on the road all by self!  My ugly marriage may have been the right turn. The backward travel hitting the dead end is what I am going through right now. I am back to square one- in one way. All my struggle and hard work till now has gone down the drain. Thanks to a few demons I had met on my way.

I am now looking forward to take that fast train travel that would teleport me to some other world.

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Prophesied by a Nightmare!

I had slept at 1.30am last night. I didn’t doze off immediately. It must have been way past 2.00am before I may have fallen asleep. Yet, I was awake at 6.30 in the morning. I usually wake up late- by or after 9.00am, taking it easy since a month now. Soon it would be summer and it would be lit by 5.00am; so I enjoy the late mornings for now.

I had woken up completely disarrayed. It felt pretty warm for a foggy morning. My neck too seemed to be hardened. I had suffered of neck sprain for about 10 days. The pain was worse than the usual discomfort in the neck after we wake up in the morning. Maybe some tendons had ruptured. Although it was healed- it seemed more or less the same way. I couldn’t go back to sleep. That was way too strange. Usually, I wake up at 7.00 or 8.00 and then go off to snooze again- without even trying to.

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I had dreamt of myself being posted somewhere in the open field- yet not exactly on the construction site, but very near to some office. There I had a couple of people reporting to me. I was the Incharge of that particular station. I felt thirsty while at work there and wanted to drink some; when I realized that we weren’t given the “filler bucket” yet. I had taken a huge offence to it. I had immediately wanted to know why the bucket was not handed over!

I had tried to look for a spare at the construction site. There wasn’t any. I had rushed to the office demanding for one. Nothing happened. I met some one who wanted to know what was the matter. While telling him how there wasn’t any “filler bucket” given for us and how we were unable to arrange for drinking water because of which; I had broken to sobs. I cried uncontrollably.

For crying out loud, it was only a bucket!

I woke up- disheveled..

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I had just finished watching the movie and mocking at my maid for a few missing things. There, she then blurted out after a month that my old bucket that was filled with potted soil, placed under the staircase common area; was missing!

The ground-floor guys had made some construction repairs along the boundary wall only 2 weeks back. The bucket was placed in the stair- case area- not too far away from the actual construction area or my home at the 2nd floor. It was sat right in the middle space of both the spots (construction and my home)

It was a heavy iron-metal bucket from very old times. I had categorically sent my maid to get all the articles placed under the staircase area just after that incident. As she is- half deaf and rest forgetful; I ended up losing yet one of the things associated with my parents’ time.

  • I cried.

It then occurred to me- it was prophesied already!

Love You Loads Mom..

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Bless me my mom, bless me again,
Bless me- such as no pain remains..

I wish to shine, I wish to smile..!
I wish to salk unfaded for Miles..!!

Missed you like my greatest lover!
Remaining embedded in heart forever..

Dearest Lone Baby, my sweetest friend,
This is for you- a “piece” I penned.

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Related Post- In Remembrance of My Mom

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Part- II Claiming My Destiny

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Here’s the Part- I Trying to Change My Destiny again

Often I would dream of that time before sitting for examinations.

Palpitated, perturbed and completing perplexed; I would see myself wondering about what would happen the day, I would have to write my papers!

Last night, I had dreamt of the same plot yet again; but with a major change.

I wasn’t scared to appear for the exams anymore. I wasn’t running around in bewilderment expecting some help with sharing of notes. I wasn’t anticipating My Failure anymore. I didn’t see myself not been able to read, study or even write my papers- this time. I didn’t see myself grow hopeless and cry. This time, the bell didn’t ring while I had just begun to write.

All of these typically reflected upon my helplessness over any given situation.

I then wake up confused- thanking no end that the dream finally ended. Earlier, such dreams disturbed my sub- conscious making me feel uneasy the whole of the day. I didn’t feel relieved about the fact that there were no exams but about the fact that the dream itself was over.

Not anymore.

This time, I was not afraid anymore. Instead, I looked forward to sit for my test. I dreamt myself being completely calm and composed. I had prepared well, both lessons- wise and mentally too! I was more than ready to write my answers. This time, I dreamt myself talking to someone asserting my busyness to prepare- in place of my calls never going through- at all! Or searching the numbers through phone- book haphazardly and failing to read.

When my dream ended, I had woken up with a smile- instead of fretting over.

There was this restfulness one feels after dreaming of something happy. Maybe, this dream is telling me that I am being successful in changing my Destiny after all.

I just don’t wish to end up like how my mom had died.

Sacrificing whole through and her life too!! I wish to get noticed for who I am. I wish to carve My Destiny the way I want it to be. I wish to shape My Destiny as My Mom had wanted me to be. I wish to create yet another difference..

I wish to become what I am – As I Am..

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Next- Part- III It is Destined

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